funny · human nature · short stories

TOAST AND THE MARTIAN – 1

A meeting between Marvin Nate and a Martian who’s just been on our terra for a couple of hours.

 

M – Greetings, man.

 

MN – Hey there, you don’t look scary at all.

 

M – What is scary? ‘Apolome’, I’m still learning the ‘jinglish’ langua and why would you think I am scary??

 

MN – Scary means (hand signals pouncing) Dangerous.

 

M – I am shappy. So I saw a square (hand signals square) shape thing appeared to be covered by this ground fragments that we are standing on, being eaten by a human, what is that?

 

MN – That’s toast. Toast is bread. It is made brown by heating.

 

M – What is bread and why is it made into ‘ Taast’

 

MN – ‘Toast’, bread is food (hand signals eating) which we humans make to eat. Bread is simple. Toast is more fulfilling. (Hand signals stomach)

 

M – Fulfilling hoe?

 

MN – Toast is crunchy, apply butter to a hot toast and it is a much more fulfilling bite than plain bread. Butter is another food product we make.

 

M – Oh! , An innovative species you are! Toast is interesting, a way of making food gonsumption a richer experience!

 

MN – Of course… or a way of disposal…

 

M – What?

 

MN – I had disposed some pieces of stale bread by toasting them and feeding them to my irritating cousins.

 

M – I don’t understand…

 

MN – Never mind, here come my cousins.

 

MN – Never mind, here come my cousins.

funny · short stories · Uncategorized · wedding stories

THE FIRST WORDS…

POOJA AND AKSHAY

Read the gigantic plaque at the doorway of the hall of my cousin Pooja’s ‘sangeet’ ceremony. I was setting up the audio systems at the corner of the hall. The mic was malfunctioning and required fixing. An attendant who claimed that he could fix the mic offered to help me and I duly obliged. He got on with the task immediately and Mamaji came announcing, “the first words to be spoken at the ceremony would be the ganapathi sthothram and your grandmother will be the one reciting it, so get it fixed.”

Pooja was standing close by from my ‘workstation’ with her sister-in-law and her friends when our cousin Riya bought me a glass of juice and enquired about the audio system. We were able to hear the conversations that transpired between the bride and her sister-in-law. Pooja was being teased about the ‘adventures’ that she was going to have in her honeymoon when our relative  , dolly aunty came to Pooja’s rescue asking them to stop teasing the poor thing and declared that ‘our girl was an innocent dove in these matters’

On hearing this Riya tugged at my shirt and exclaimed in a controlled tone, “Ha! The innocent dove there was commenting last night about how Akshay has a huge ‘d*ck!’ All heads turned in our direction mostly with confusion, shock and embarrassment on display. It took a minute to register that the attendant had fixed the issue with the mic and was standing right next to us holding the functioning mic. The first words of the ceremony had been spoken…